Facebook Follies

I remember the first time I heard about Facebook. 

A sorority sister was going on a date with some guy she "met on Facebook". 

Facebook?

I was confused. 

I asked questions. 

I got his cell phone number - and hers. 

Had the campus police on speed dial in case she didn't show back up to the house. 

What was this online directory that had replaced the Greek Stalker (fraternity/sorority directory for landline phones, complete with room listings)??

And...how might I get one?

Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. 
Just like that I was in business. 

I began Facebook on November 16, 2004 - nearly 8 years ago - according to my "Timeline". 

In those 8 years, from afar I've seen "friends" 
get married, 
get divorced, 
break-up, 
make-up, 
graduate, 
move away, 
move back home, 
find new jobs, 
buy used cars, 
enjoy fireworks and bars, 
visit cities and ranches, 
lose weight, 
gain confidence, 
remodel houses, 
grill out, 
work out, 
make out, 
have kids, 
have surgery, 
have garage sales, 
bash ex-wives and husbands, 
celebrate birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, potty training and rain. 

I'm exhausted. 

I know more about the general public than I ever thought I would when I signed up for this deal on November 16, 2004. Still, I keep on. 

There are a few observations I have made in the last 8 years. 

Some that you'll agree with, some that you may not. 

All that I'm going to share with you now. 

Dont expect me to share your "I love Jesus" message on facebook. I love Jesus. Jesus hasn't logged on to Facebook...Ever. God doesn't even have an account. Telling me to "repost if you believe" only appeals to folks who still send chain letters. With a stamp. The same people who are still waiting on something great to happen to them at 12:01 AM every day. Wake me up if it happens. I'll be asleep. 

Your pet is cute. Really. But when people post a picture of it curled up in thier bed, rolling on their pillow, with its leg around their boyfriend, it makes me want to take a shower and wash my own sheets. There is just a lot of hair. 

People look very silly when they constantly take pictures of them self in the mirror, on the bed and in the car. Do they need instant gratification? If so, they should check out the local t-ball league in the area. You get a nice trophy just for wearing the shirt. 


A good rule of thumb before posting anything on Facebook: Would I want The Original Jean to see this post if  she had an account? If not, do not hit "post". I would enjoy the Book a lot more if others considered Grandma. 

I don't care if you party till 4:00AM with DJ Queazy and Mr Cleanzy. When I get up and get ready for my long work day, those blurry pictures of you with Queazy and Cleanzy, drinking $8.00 Zimas at a club downtown are the last things I want to see.

You're BORED?! What does that even mean?! Make a difference. Volunteer. Go for a walk. Write a letter. 

It is fine if someone wants to post premiscuous photos of them self on the internet. Their decision. But don't act confused or offended when the strange friend requests start rolling in or you're only pursued by less-than-desirable suitors. 


Thanks for taking a photo of the thermostat on the dashboard that reads, "103". I know it's hot outside. My outfit on this blazing hot day, consisting of cowboy boots and a sundress, is brought to you by Spanx. 

Vague statuses like "Just when I thought things couldn't get worse........" don't amuse me. Or 95% of the public. They amuse the people who have nothing better to do than speculate on what drama is going on in other peoples' life. Spare us. 

I get a knot in my stomach when I see photos of little girls with their hands on their hips and big-girl clothes on, or sons wearing flat bill hats flashing signs, then see parents complain because their kids are "growing up too fast :(". That is a learned behavior. The parent bought the clothes. Let kids be little. 

Type in complete sentences. Remember punctuation. Use words, not letters. This is English, not bingo. 

Lastly, if your pet tries to add me as a facebook friend, I'm declining its request and unfriending you. Immediately.

Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go step away from the computer and do something productive with my time. Like wait for rain. 

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