Wednesday, August 10, 2016

A Speedy Vacation

My husband kindly reminded me this week that my “three-month vacation” is halfway over. That Cody. He’s hilarious.

I was quick to correct him. 

You see, I’ve never been on a vacation where you so easily lose track of the days. What day is it? Well if the trash truck comes by during the 3 am feeding, it’s either Monday or Friday. Any day in between those two I consider Wednesday. If Cody’s alarm doesn’t go off during the 5:00 am feeding it’s Saturday or Sunday.
If you go by this system, it’s almost always Thursday. And that’s OK. Tuesday never did much for me.

I’ve never been on a vacation when science experiments were around every corner. Yesterday I tried to warm some to-go water so Caroline and I could make a jail break for a 1:30 meeting, only to forget to take the lid off the bottle.  
57 seconds later a bomb exploded in our microwave, every window in the downstairs fogged up, Caroline and I both cried and I learned that I did, in fact, have motherly instinct: I was on top of her in .043 seconds flat.


I’ve never been on a vacation and forgotten all formal education in 6 weeks out of the office. I said weeks ago that I was still committed to writing, and I am. In fact, I wrote this grocery list just last week:


And I haven’t even made it to the grocery. Unless it’s a place that asks for my health insurance card, I have yet to show up.

I’ve never been on a vacation where I’ve had to be so creative. Two weeks ago I started putting baby bedtime time lotion all over her body right around 3:00 when I need a nap. Listen, it’s better than a pacifier dipped in something strong. She has no interest. The lotion never works. Rather, it makes her slippery and harder to hold. I think she’s on to me.

I’ve never been on a vacation where I was so naïve. I actually bought 3 books to leisurely read during my 12-week vacation. I seriously went to a bookstore in Muncie, spent over an hour sorting through reading material, purchased three, and thought I’d read them by night light during the 3 am feedings. Go ahead, laugh. I’m an idiot. There’s no reading on maternity leave. In fact, the only thing I’ve read in 6 weeks is gripe water labels and a will writing tutorial. 

I’ve never been on a vacation where I didn't pack some fun clothes, whether that be a bathing suit or clothes to explore Alaska. What do I pack these days? Oh, 15 diapers, 5 onesies, a clean shirt for myself, two bottles, a pair of socks, a rubber snot sucker, pacifier wipes (listen, it's my first child), extra strength Tylenol, a melted fun size Snickers bar and a can of Frizz Ease. You think I'm kidding?

It doesn't matter if I'm in the car for ten minutes or thirty, it seems each time I get behind the wheel I hear Thomas Rhett's song Vacation. Have you seen the video? 

There are absolutely no similarities between Rhett's vacation and mine. Bummer. 

I don't know where I went wrong, 
but next time I plan on taking a 12-week vacation
I'm using a different travel agent. 

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