Fantasy Pinterest

I was trying to get on my shoes and brush my teeth before church Sunday when I passed Cody in the living room, grabbing his iPad. 
His iPad, rushing out the door on a Sunday morning?

"I'm going to need you to drive to church this morning, if you don't mind. I need to update my fantasy football team," he said.

I got one foot in and laughed. "Are you kidding me?" 
"No...all of my players are injured. Except for that Martavis - the Pittsburg Steeler - he's out for drugs."
That stung a little. 
"Fantasy Football is so ridiculous!" I continued, giving my hair one final spritz (fog) of FrizEase. 

Cody defended his hobby as he filled two travel mugs of coffee. "I mean, I'm sure there is a fantasy Pinterest or something that you could play in."

I stopped dead in my boots. 

He, actually, didn't know how right he was. 
There was a Fantasy hobby I could lose myself in. 
It's called Pinterest. 

Someone else does all the work - and makes it look good. 
Guys are spending time drafting players that would never realistically be on the same team. 
They're talking about playoffs four months in advance. 
They're investing time, energy and effort into crafting a line up that they'll track closer than a trophy buck this fall. 
But they'll never step foot on a football field. 
And you. 
Look at where your decisions have led you. 
You think you have enough time/patience/stamina to recycle your old toilet paper rolls into customized greeting cards?
You think you have enough time/patience/stamina to turn peanut butter and jelly sandwiches  into cake pops?
You think you have enough time/patience/stamina to recycle your kid's basketball t-shirts into a tent? 
You think you have enough time/patience/stamina to make a button necklace?
No. 
Let someone else throw that pass, make that tackle or super glue their fingers together - and to the dog - while you just sit back and watch. 
That's what HGTV and ESPN are all about. 

It makes us strangely competitive.

All of the sudden, Cody is talking about players' performance like he personally trained them. Like he has a true stake in this running back's performance. 

"He should have had that!"

"Why in the world would he have done that?!"

And, he talks to his friends about where "his team" lies compared to theirs. 

Ahead. 

Behind. 

Still reeling from Luck's performance during the first two games of the season. (Calm down. He did this last year, too. I think the wind blows his beard in his eyes.)

And Pinterest has created and stimulated this strange need for us to create the most perfect family photos, most perfect wedding, most perfect fall outfit, most perfect meal, most perfect mud room, most perfect engagement photos and most perfect birthday cake for the princess at home. 

Who are you trying to impress?

It did not work. 

Stop. I can't even. 

Stick to Cinnamon Toast Crunch. 

It's expensive. 
I have no idea what kind of investment (do you see the sarcasm dripping off of that word?) Cody has in Fantasy Football. Does it cost money? Don't answer that. 
Let's talk about all of the money you've spent on powered sugar, scarves and chalk paint. 
Enough said. 

Name cropped to protect the innocent. 

You're welcome, Emily. 

It's not real; None of this is real: 
Actually, sir, Andrew Luck doesn't even know you exist. Why are you so hung up on his Sunday performance? And Martavis doesn't care who you are. Which is probably a good thing. 
And "your team" realistically belongs to m(b?)illionaires like Robert Kraft, Jim Irsay, Martha Ford and Dan Rooney. Do you think they get hung up on a pass interference?
No. They have another cocktail. And fire someone. 
And you, Pinterest Pam, the reason your outfit doesn't look as amazing as her's?
You're a real, beautiful size 10. 
She's a 0. 
Which is only a size if you still shop at American Eagle. 
The reason your make up didn't turn out like her's?
You don't have a make-up artist, professional photographer and studio. 
The reason your wreath doesn't look like her's?
Well, frankly, you're not crafty. And that's ok! That's why Hobby Lobby exists. 

And, you're Pinning quotes like this, trying to find your true heart. 
Or something?
Honey you need to step away from the iPad and get some rest. 

Listen, I love Pinterest as much as anyone

But I've come to realize that - frankly - Fantasy Football has nothing on Pinterest when it comes to removing us from reality and planting us smack dab into an unrealistic, candle-lit, burlap-covered life. 

Fantasy Football or Fantasy Pinterest: Which is worse?

I mean...

You're making your husband eat salad out of mason jars. Get ahold of yourself. 

Photos courtesy of Pinterest and Pinterest Fail. Thanks for submitting them.  

Which McDonald's Dollar Menu Item Are You?

I've noticed a trend on social media as of late. 

Posts about pumpkin spiced lattes? Nope. 

Fall family photo shoot sharing? Nope. 

High school, college or NFL football scores, updates, rants or stadium pictures? Nope. 

Quizzes. 

Strange, impersonal, non-scientific quizzes. 

It is an interesting phenomenon that asks individuals to reveal a few preferences - such as what style of hat they favor - and just like that it's as though the internet gods can judge this person and interpret their destiny. 

Instantly, the person taking the quiz can learn who they're most like, what career fits them best, what their stripper name could have been, what breed of cow they may be in the next life and even what their name means. 

I'm serious.

These quizzes are very real, 

very accessible 

and very, very accurate. 

Except, if you're truly curious as to the meaning behind your name, it may be easiest to ask your mother. There is a good chance she knows why you're named what you are. And, she may even reveal that your father originally wanted to name you Jasmine but during a last-minute K-Mart run for baby things, the cashier's name was Jasmine and K-Mart Jasmine couldn't make six dollar change from a ten dollar bill. Just like that, your fate was altered. See, no ten-question online quiz could have told you that. 

Or could it........?

Have you seen these quizzes?

Do you take them?

Vocabulary size? 

Do you suppose "capacity", "depth" or "scope" would have been a better fit in that sentence?

My guess is that 90% of the results include some form of Feather, Little, Moon and River. 

I was hoping for Little Blonde River but the quiz revealed I'm actually 

Big Mountain Thighs.

What Ever.

This needs to be assessed by your best friend. 

Not your husband, not your kids and not your boss. 

Your husband hears the things you talk about in your sleep, 

your kids test you when you've not slept in days 

and your boss determines your pay scale right after 

cramming 49,549 expectations down your throat. 

Your best friend is the only one who can 

admit that you're bat-shit crazy then 

make up for it by complimenting your hair. 

This tests mental state. 

I'm serious, Katie - I really do. 

This is unfortunate. 

Get a hobby. 

And some grip on reality and real-world affairs. 

I'm very serious. 

What disturbs me most about these generic quizzes is the desire people have to take them.
Daily. 
Weekly. 
At all. 
Why is that? 
They say a lot about the type of culture we've become, one begging to figure out just who we really are. 

With every bland assessment, people long to learn more about themselves, hoping to find a piece of them they've never known before. Something more that they hope(d) to be. 

"I never would have thought I was most likely to die in a fiery skateboarding crash in Malibu....

I always have liked the ocean................"

It's as though we're craving a way to dive into the the deepest parts of ourselves to find this new person, calling or even past -----

---- Rather than build upon the person we are now and the character we contain. 

When did distraction from reality become such a normalcy? What happened to living in the here and now and building your own future and determining your own character rather than taking the easy way out and letting a 10-question quiz drive your ship?

Get a grip, people. Come back to reality and find a better way to learn about yourself. Read books, begin writing, spend time alone, turn off anything that has an on switch, pray, volunteer, be part of something bigger than yourself, learn to cook real food, start running - and not just from gluten, research your genealogy, buy a camera, get up earlier, adopt a mutt, for goodness sake. 

Because between you and I, your life expectancy is only determined by the plans God has for you and how you use the tools and natural talents He's put before you.

And frankly, He's only concerned about how you specifically answer 

His Ten Point Quiz, 

which ironically

has nothing to do with internet connection.