Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Hooked on HGTV

I’ve logged many hours in front of HGTV in the last two months, rocking back and forth, eyes going fuzzy over wrecks, remodels and restorations. I’ve seen more paint, plaster and demanding people than I care to see again for a while. Still, I watch almost daily. Two months of HGTV has taught me two things:
People are creative and
people are crazy.

Some people have an incredible knack for turning dumps into dream homes. Chip and Joanna: You all know how I feel about them.

Some people want to live in a tiny house, only to tour three of them and complain that the bathroom, kitchen, and loft are much too tiny.

Some people want to find a new place of their own with a $400,000 budget only to lose their head when an unforeseen electrical issue sets them back $1,500.

I’ve actually watched a woman turn away from a prospective home because the grout in the shower was too wide. It threw off the entire room, she claimed. People. Are. Crazy.

But what about us? The ones who set mouse traps year-round, gauge the amount of rain we’ve received by the condition of the basement and sweep daily only to think: my mother would die if she saw this dustpan. What about us?

Secret Safe Room

I’ve seen several modern homes have a safe room where families can go during a time of distress: terror or natural disaster. These safe rooms are often located in a hidden area of the home, protected by indestructible walls and sound craftsmanship sure to withstand anything – or anyone – that may approach. Today’s Farm Wife wants her own secret safe room, where she can go - and frankly – not be found. It will be hard for even the smallest, neediest child to find, sound proof for the sobbing and have locks for complete isolation. Within these walls the mother can leaf through issues of Country Living she’s not read in a year, eat the good chocolate she’s had hidden in the deep freezer behind the beef liver and maybe even take a nap.

Her Own Bathroom

This part of the remodel eliminates foam shapes on the bathtub wall, cartoon character toothpaste and a soaked bath mat. No more are the days of action figures in the toilet, manure-caked jeans on the floor or hay chaff on her toilet seat. Goodbye, tiny hands reaching under the door and white specks of – God knows what – on the mirror. This bathroom belongs to one woman. And she’ll use it only once a day.


I haven’t seen this on Flip or Flop but I know it would make someone millions***. Freeze-Frame-A-Meal is a contraption where the Farm Wife can put the farmer’s dinner/supper in a bread-box-sized contraption and whatever temperature it is, it stays until consumed. Forget those nights of crockpot pork chops and microwaved soggy-bunned sloppy joes and chicken that not even the dog will eat. The Freeze-Frame-A-Meal is not a microwave, rather a YETI-like machine that keeps the plate just as it was prepared.

***If your kid creates this for science fair/Shark Tank - and wins prize money - private message me and we can work out payment.

A Mud Room

No, not a Pinterest mudroom.

Can you just see afterbirth strewn across these cabinets? 
So counter-productive.

Rather a real, used, Utilitub, Green lava soap, manure in the crevices, can handle more than mud, mud room. This can’t be found on Pinterest, but may be designed only after at least one year living in the homestead. Only then will you know how far the sink needs to be from the bench, how far the bench needs to be from the boot jack, and how far the boot jack needs to be from the coat rack. Only then can the perfect mud room be created.

Tomorrow I’ll go back like a bad relationship, give HGTV one more try then shut off the TV feeling restless, bored and strangely hooked. And 100% ready to fully remodel every room in our old farmhouse. 

I think Cody is ready for me to go back to work. 

1 comment:

  1. We've started doing flip/fixer uppers. It's sooo much fun.