Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Farm Wife Fitness

Someone asked me last week if I had a gym membership. 

I tried really hard to hold in my laughter, but it seeped out in the form of:
"You can't be serious? By you mean Slim Jim? Jimmy John's? Jungle Jim's? Wait. Are you serious?"

I drove home wondering why I don't spend more time - and money - on my health. Why not pay dollars a month to walk around an indoor track (let's be honest: That's all I'd do)? 
Answer: Because I live on a farm.

Which keeps me active, or at least moderately out of breath. 

Farm Wife Planks
Farm wife planks are the motion done when your husband tells you that the electric fence is off, but you have had trust issues since a shocking event in 2009, so you have to roll under the high tensile fence.  But the ground is wet - or cold - and you try to make as little ground contact as possible. 

Farm Wife Weight Lifting
Two things prevent me from going to a gym to lift weights: 1. carrying buckets of feed instead of transporting them via Kubota and 
2. This chunk

Farm Wife Sprints
Farm wife sprints are done when your husband calls and wants to know the sex of the newest calves and you have to dodge all mother cows in order to do a 2-second tail lift before sprinting back to (and over) the gate. 

We have no footage of the farm wife sprint, which further proves the fact that I only run if I'm being chased. However, we do have footage of this broad:

Farm Wife Squats 
Farm wife squats are the action done when you're trying to get under a string of temporary fence by finding the lowest point in the ground that offers the greatest depth between the fence and ground. Arms out for balance. Head tucked down for clearance. Bad word whispered for good measure. 

Farm Wife Chin-Ups
Farm wife chin-ups are done  when there is excess room between the hay mow ladder and the ground so you have to stack buckets to get to the right height to climb. Except said buckets fall over and you have two options: 1. Do chin-ups to get up the ladder or 2. bust your tail bone.

Farm Wife Cardio
Farm wife cardio can be done a lot of different ways, but the easiest way to get your heart rate elevated is to simply get in the hay mow when you're absolutely terrified of heights. Especially if said hay mow has a shoddy floor and every step has you assuming it's your last. 

I hope you've read this and found creative ways to feel the burn in your own little piece of the world. Listen, you don't have to pay for a gym membership to get healthy; you just have to move

But trust me: If you don't have a spotter, stay off the buckets. 

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