Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Jean vs. Dr. Oz

Have you ever heard of Dr. Oz?

No, I'm NOT talking about the man behind the curtain who lied to a naive girl and a scarecrow, tin man and lion with shoddy body composition: No brain, no heart and no courage. 
They had to have been made of hair and cartilage only. 

I'm talking about the Dr. Oz, a byproduct of Oprah, that I have to hear every day on the radio. He is just Hollywood-enough to use the California Fear Factor. The California Fear Factor is when media scares the heck out of consumers, making them believe that the flowers they plant are going to cause lead poisoning, learning to ride a bike in the yard will cause cancer and if you stare at the stars too long you're destined to become a unicorn. 

I'm not buying it. 
Any of it. 

Obviously the folks who shudder in the shadows of Dr. Oz's prognosis are scared-out-of-their-mind-consumers who didn't have parents like mine. I distinctly remember when the three of us Bowman kids jumped out of our beds to run down and tell Momma and Dad that we thought a tornado was going to pass through our farmhouse outside Greens Fork

"Don't you kids worry about it... just a high wind. Go on upstairs and get back to bed. Barn chores are going to come early in the morning," Dad's voice growled. 

Strange....we all survived. And we are better adults for it. 

Everyday on the radio, from Dr. Oz I hear something ridiculous  like, "Do you have really long eyelashes? That could mean something more. I'm Dr. Oz. Stay tuned to hear what those eyelashes could mean. And what they mean for your bank account." 

His segment ALWAYS covers to two things:  1) Something 95% of the American public can relate to and 2) how it will affect something that 100% of the American public cares about. 

You know, things like how tight jeans that can affect grandkids' college decisions, how muddy yards can affect job interviews and how ingrown toenails can affect how much money you will pay for toilet paper at Wal-Mart.

Today, welcome to Jean's Boots (the gal behind real life) 
Dr. Oz (the man behind the misery)......

Dr. Oz: "Do you get a headache every two weeks? I'm Dr. Oz. - stay tuned to hear what those normal headaches could mean. And what they mean for your car payment."

Jean: Do you get a headache every two weeks? That means you stayed up too late last night. I don't care if it was happy hour with your co-workers or karaoke night at the Broken Spoke in Kansas or even reading a book in your living room. You need to sleep. Also eat a greasy lunch and take some advil. 

Dr. Oz: Are you losing hearing in one or more of your ears? This could be serious trouble -making you walk in circles for the rest of your life. I'm Dr. Oz - Stay tuned to hear what this means for you and the price of gas. 

Jean: Are you losing hearing in one or more of your ears? Hearing loss has a lot to do with the Kid Rock concert you went to last Friday night. Plain and simple, this is what you get for wasting your money. If you didn't attend the Kid Rock concert, turn down your iPod. Or, simply swallow and let your ears pop after flying in an airplane. Your ears will thank you. 

Dr. Oz: Do you wake up tired? I know how to solve your problem. I'm Dr. Oz - Stay tuned to hear what your problem is, and believe me - it is right before your very eyes. 

Jean: Do you wake up tired?  It's probably because of  your life schedule. And your inability to say no to any commitment that comes your way. And your kids, if you have them. Slow down. Unwind. Take a deep breath. Shut down the computer, wash your face and go to bed.

Dr. Oz: Do your eyes water? I'm Dr. Oz - Stay tuned to hear why these tears could be a big problem - for you and everyone who has ever met you. 

Jean:  Do your eyes water? Step away from the onion, as soon as you're done chopping it for the dinner casserole. If you're not chopping an onion and your eyes are still watering, you need to shut off Lifetime television...five years ago. 

I'm quite sure that Dr. Oz is a smart man; he wouldn't be marketing his "can't miss" show as well if he wasn't. He gets a lot of airtime and provides very little substance. Wake up America! Do you really believe the whole milk you're drinking affects the color of your eyes?! His ability to make Americans question every aspect of their life makes my skin crawl, though I'd never tell him that. 

He would probably blame my crawling skin on the amount of time I spend outdoors, working in fresh air and under bright sunshine. And I'm not ready to hear him tell me that daily activity is going to negatively affect the mobility of my skin anytime soon. 


  1. Glad I'm not the only one! His apple juice will kill you segment was my favorite bs.

  2. Hahaha, I think you hit the nail right on the head!

  3. I have never watched him and thanks to you, I will never waste my time! Thank YOU!!!!

  4. Ha! This is great! I'm not a fan of Dr. Oz at all.

    Sarah @ This Farm family's Life

  5. I love this and I do NOT get me started on his "big butted women" episode that was on a few weeks ago...I will remain a Jean Fan and never a dr. oz fan.

  6. I have never watched him and thanks to you, I will never waste my time! Thank YOU!!!!

  7. What a wonderful calm, common sense voice in a time of public hysteria over any media blip! Thank you so much!

  8. Love this! I think you should be on his show! That is one I would definitely watch!

  9. I'm pretty sure we would be good friends.

  10. Yeah, I'm pretty sure if we ever met, we would be good friends.