Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Reebok Reba

After my jaw dropped at one of her outrageous - but true - stories, my friend Sammy once told me, "I'm telling you Lindsay, I live in a sitcom." She went on to look at the menu, eyebrows raised. "My's a sitcom." 
I completely believed her comparison but laughed aloud at it. Looking at her like a dog looks at a high pitched sound, I thought to myself: Her life soundtrack deserves a studio audience. 

But yesterday I drove back to the office and laughed to myself, thinking of Sammy...

I think I live in a sitcom, too? 
Nope, my conscious slapped me in the face, per usual. 
Sitcoms make money. You just live in Small Town, America. 

I went to a local printing/shipping store to pick up a work project. I thought that by waiting until 1:30 I would avoid the crazy folks who run these types of errands over their lunch hour; you know, people like me. 

I had already learned my lesson at the Social Security office
The line was just as long and the people there were just as blog-worthy. 

I was fourth in line. There was a woman at the counter with a small box she wanted shipped overseas. She was probably 52. But the years hadn't treated her well. Nor had the cigarettes. She looked about 70. 

She had dyed redish-auburn hair with 2-inch grey roots making their presence quite known. Her hair was coarse and big and jacked up to Jesus. Made me appreciate her a bit. Also made me think of 1990 Reba in a weird way. She wore a red Looney Tunes sweatshirt with her jeans and white Reebok shoes. She was a real life Reebok Reba. Those are the things I vaguely remember. What really stands out in my mind - so much that I dreamt about it last night - was her teeth. 

Or lack there of. 

The gal wore dentures that she kept flipping in and out. With her tongue. Kind of like the way we did while doing homework the first week we had our retainer in junior high. 

I know I'm not the only one who did that. 
It passed the time. 
It was done consciously.
It was loud. 
It was disgusting. 

Her teeth kept slopping in and out with this wet sound that made me want to throw up on the guy in front of me. I put my hands in my coat pocket, clenched fists, looking down.   

The gal behind the counter said, "OK, ma'am. To get that to Beijing it will be $66.53." 

Wrong answer, FedEx Fannie. 

Reebok Reba proceeded to blow her top. I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I clinched my jaw for the young gal working the register. There was friction.

As soon as I got in my car I sent Cody the following HeyTell reciting Reebok Reba's monolog, without the smokey ashes. 
He gets these monologues a lot; they're accounts of my day.  
Aren't you glad you didn't have to marry me?
Better yet, aren't you glad you didn't marry into Reebok Reba's family?


When Reebok Reba finally shut up and I left the store, my mind drifted to more important things:

What is in that package?!
How long has "he" been sending packages to women over seas who don't exist?!
Who is "he"?!
How much money have they wasted on overseas scams?
Who seeks women from West Virginia??

I awaited Cody's response to my HeyTell while driving back to the office, in awe of the way some folks live. 

Let this reenactment be a lesson to each of you, far and wide. 

1. Ensure your efforts are concentrated towards what is important. 
Enjoying your work. 
Being a positive influence.
Raising a family. 
Making a difference.
If your efforts are concentrated on shipping unknown gifts to unknown recipients, you're doing something wrong. 

2. Be nice to people. Read this. 

3. Fool you once, shame on me. Fool you twice, shame on you. Fool you three times: REALLY??

4. Sammy: Let's have dinner soon. Conversations with you give me hope. And content. 

5. If you're dating a Beijing princess who needs gifts wired to her in order to save her dynasty, there is a really great chance the Beijing Princess on the other end of the line is a 57-year-old-man in Arizona looking for a thrill. 

6. In life, love and shipping: Do Your Homework. 

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